Its December 24th, 2010, Christmas Eve. Normally on this day I'd be wrapping presents for my son at the last minute and doing other Christmas activities, but this year I'm deep in thought and memory about my recently passed friend Miles. Today is Miles' birthday. Miles passed away a week before Thanksgiving on the morning of November 19th 2010. A few hours after his passing I got the phone call. I was getting ready to go out and apply for jobs when I got that phone call. Soon as I found out what happened I stopped everything I was doing and immediately called 3 of Miles and I's mutual close friends. They were in just as much shock as I was. Miles had been doing great this past year, he had a girlfriend and a new apartment. I brought my son to his father's house for the day and met up with the old crew that Miles and I used to hang out with all the time. The rest of the day was spent reminiscing about all our moments with Miles. It was a good way to sort of make sense as to what happened that morning, and a way that Miles would of wanted us to spend that day. Miles loved his friends more than anyone loves their friends. I truly believe that 100%. No one cares about their friends more than Miles did. 
I met Miles back when I was 16 years old during the winter, his favorite season. We had a lot of mutual friends. We became really close friends really fast through our identical sick sense of humor and common interests. He lived only 8 minutes away from me. One of our favorite past times was deciding to randomly take a drive down to NYC without having a specific destination or map. I can't even remember how many times we did that, but it was so much fun each time and always a great adventure. 99% of my memories of Miles are hilarious. He could make his friends laugh like no one else. When I think of him today I actually laugh way more than I cry because my memories of time spent with him are so hysterical. One Halloween he wore a giant parrot costume and did not break character the entire night. He was squawking like a parrot around the bar and pecking at random people. When my friends and I talk of Miles now, we are mostly laughing about all the funny moments and all the outlandish things Miles used to do just to entertain us.
I'm still numb to the core about Miles' death. Some of my friends and family still don't understand why I haven't "broke down" crying yet. Part of it is because I'm a Virgo, by nature I'm just not an emotional person, I appear detached. The other part is I just haven't accepted the fact that he's really gone. I've never cried at a funeral, ever. This past February my friend Pete passed away (RIP) and I didn't cry at his funeral. When I got the phone call about Miles, I cried for less than a minute then my mind just automatically composed itself and I stopped. Its like another part of my mind is in charge of my emotions, that part is a separate control panel in my brain, it decides for me when I'm going to cry and when I'm not going to. I want to just let it all out and have a good cry about my good friend Miles but my mind is physically blocking me from doing that. My mind let me cry, a little bit, for the first time at a funeral--Miles' funeral. I was shocked that I was able to cry even a tiny bit, that was a first for me. I'm definitely stone-cold poker face at funerals and when I'm around people who are crying heavy with emotion. I've been that way since I was a little kid. What bothers me is that I should be able to let out how sad and depressed I am about Miles being gone, but I can't yet. I know some day I will, it'll just all come out at once and like a typical Virgo, I'll be freaked the fuck out because I'm not used to feeling my feelings (I realize this blog is really personal but I need to write about this).
Miles was one of my closest friends I've ever had. He even got to know my family, which pretty much doesn't happen if your friends with me. That in itself was huge. I just felt in my heart that no matter where I brought Miles, who I introduced him to, they would love him, and they did. Everyone in my family who met him loved him and always asked about him when he wasn't there. My DAD even liked him and Travolta doesn't usually approve of my friends...lol. When he moved upstate near my Mom's house I would invite him over every time I was up there visiting her. He came to all my family events at my Mom's. I loved that even though Miles no longer lived 8 minutes away from me, he was now living near my Mom's house, a place I don't often go, so when I did go I looked forward to having Miles over. He was my only friend who would come to my Mom's house. Now when I go to my Mom's, its just a reminder of how I can't call Miles anymore to come over and chill. My son loved Miles too. Miles was always randomly buying my son toys and dropping them off whenever he was in the neighborhood. He was really good with kids. My son asks about him all the time now, he's only 4 but he sort of understands the concept of death and knows that he won't be seeing Miles on Earth again.
Miles was a rare friend. He never had an excuse as to why he couldn't talk on the phone or why he couldn't hang out. Never, ever an excuse out of Miles. The way he treated people was amazing. Always with open arms. He was the most giving, caring, trustworthy and helpful friend I've ever had. There's things Miles knows about me that he took to the grave (well, not literally, Miles was cremated). I genuinely trusted Miles and never felt paranoid that he'd betray my trust. It deeply hurts me that I can no longer see or talk to Miles, I can no longer hang out with him or invite him to family parties, we can no longer participate in hysterical hilarity with our friends together. The last time I saw Miles was in September at my 23rd birthday party at my Mom's house. He came over with his girlfriend but they had to leave early. We all wanted them to stay longer and I regret not taking pictures with him that day. Fortunately I have one picture that my Mom took, his eyes are closed and he's in mid sentence in that picture, it makes me laugh. He was fussy because the food wasn't ready yet, classic Miles. We talked on the phone a few times and texted during his last weeks here. I was going to invite him over for my Mom's side of the family's belated Thanksgiving dinner. Instead, during that dinner, I brought over photo collages I made for his funeral and my family and I toasted to Miles before we ate. As dinner was ending, my Mom pointed out that the suns reflection through the front door was shining directly on a photo of me, Miles & our friend Joey--the sunlight was only on Miles in a perfect outline around him. Now I'm starting to get teary-eyed.
I'm still numb to the core about Miles' death. Some of my friends and family still don't understand why I haven't "broke down" crying yet. Part of it is because I'm a Virgo, by nature I'm just not an emotional person, I appear detached. The other part is I just haven't accepted the fact that he's really gone. I've never cried at a funeral, ever. This past February my friend Pete passed away (RIP) and I didn't cry at his funeral. When I got the phone call about Miles, I cried for less than a minute then my mind just automatically composed itself and I stopped. Its like another part of my mind is in charge of my emotions, that part is a separate control panel in my brain, it decides for me when I'm going to cry and when I'm not going to. I want to just let it all out and have a good cry about my good friend Miles but my mind is physically blocking me from doing that. My mind let me cry, a little bit, for the first time at a funeral--Miles' funeral. I was shocked that I was able to cry even a tiny bit, that was a first for me. I'm definitely stone-cold poker face at funerals and when I'm around people who are crying heavy with emotion. I've been that way since I was a little kid. What bothers me is that I should be able to let out how sad and depressed I am about Miles being gone, but I can't yet. I know some day I will, it'll just all come out at once and like a typical Virgo, I'll be freaked the fuck out because I'm not used to feeling my feelings (I realize this blog is really personal but I need to write about this).
Miles was one of my closest friends I've ever had. He even got to know my family, which pretty much doesn't happen if your friends with me. That in itself was huge. I just felt in my heart that no matter where I brought Miles, who I introduced him to, they would love him, and they did. Everyone in my family who met him loved him and always asked about him when he wasn't there. My DAD even liked him and Travolta doesn't usually approve of my friends...lol. When he moved upstate near my Mom's house I would invite him over every time I was up there visiting her. He came to all my family events at my Mom's. I loved that even though Miles no longer lived 8 minutes away from me, he was now living near my Mom's house, a place I don't often go, so when I did go I looked forward to having Miles over. He was my only friend who would come to my Mom's house. Now when I go to my Mom's, its just a reminder of how I can't call Miles anymore to come over and chill. My son loved Miles too. Miles was always randomly buying my son toys and dropping them off whenever he was in the neighborhood. He was really good with kids. My son asks about him all the time now, he's only 4 but he sort of understands the concept of death and knows that he won't be seeing Miles on Earth again.
Miles was a rare friend. He never had an excuse as to why he couldn't talk on the phone or why he couldn't hang out. Never, ever an excuse out of Miles. The way he treated people was amazing. Always with open arms. He was the most giving, caring, trustworthy and helpful friend I've ever had. There's things Miles knows about me that he took to the grave (well, not literally, Miles was cremated). I genuinely trusted Miles and never felt paranoid that he'd betray my trust. It deeply hurts me that I can no longer see or talk to Miles, I can no longer hang out with him or invite him to family parties, we can no longer participate in hysterical hilarity with our friends together. The last time I saw Miles was in September at my 23rd birthday party at my Mom's house. He came over with his girlfriend but they had to leave early. We all wanted them to stay longer and I regret not taking pictures with him that day. Fortunately I have one picture that my Mom took, his eyes are closed and he's in mid sentence in that picture, it makes me laugh. He was fussy because the food wasn't ready yet, classic Miles. We talked on the phone a few times and texted during his last weeks here. I was going to invite him over for my Mom's side of the family's belated Thanksgiving dinner. Instead, during that dinner, I brought over photo collages I made for his funeral and my family and I toasted to Miles before we ate. As dinner was ending, my Mom pointed out that the suns reflection through the front door was shining directly on a photo of me, Miles & our friend Joey--the sunlight was only on Miles in a perfect outline around him. Now I'm starting to get teary-eyed.
I have endless amounts of great memories with Miles. I could seriously go on forever. I think about these memories and feel like there aren't enough, like we were supposed to make more memories than that. There were way more good times to be had, holidays to be shared, moments to create. Every time I pass his name in my cell phone I want to call him. I want to hang out with him and go visit his Mom with him.
Tonight I will have Christmas Eve dinner with my son at our Aunt's house and I will honor Miles. I'm wearing my Miles shirt my friend JK and I had custom-made in honor of Miles. We had a ton of them made for Miles' family and friends. Miles loved wearing custom clothes. He had a bunch of custom hats that he wore ever so proudly. Tonight I'll be thinking about all the Christmas's before this and how Miles would get so excited this time of year because it was his birthday AND Christmas. I'll think about the one Christmas Eve we spent with the crew at Joey's house and Miles wore red adult-sized pajamas with the feet while he opened his birthday presents--he had the look of a little boy on Christmas morning in his eyes. That's how I'll remember Miles.RIP MILES 12/24/1982-11/19/2010 ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS <3
No comments:
Post a Comment